Betamod

The scary part is not knowing when the episodes happen.

I could be having a good conversation with an interesting person, then suddenly, its like I’m not there at all. I’m in that place, suffering the horror of the memories I have. Reliving the terrifying ordeal. There are obvious and not so obvious triggers. Sometimes it seems like there are no triggers at all. Sometimes, I’m just sitting there, minding my own business, when I feel my heart rate start to increase. I can feel adrenaline pumping through me, flight or fight response going haywire. Suddenly my mind can’t sit still. My body soon follows and I’m pacing around the room, muttering to myself. Sometimes I try to reassure myself, that it’s normal and it will soon pass. Sometimes  I insult myself and rip myself to figurative shreds. It can last hours and hours. All day and all night. I’ve forced myself to sleep feeling this way, and woken up feeling just the same. I beat myself down until I’m nothing. I become a wretched pile of a human. I don’t leave the house. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Even the most benign text message from a good friend can seem like an intrusion, when it obviously shouldn’t be. Often I’ll attempt to hide thoughts from myself with a smoke screen. It’s only a temporary solution. They always return, usually stronger and more menacing. Like a bully that just knows you’ve been spending all the milk money he wants. Everyday duties become impossible tasks. Simple things become neglected. A small hill can easily become a mountain in my mind. I can’t help but think of deities, and their power to create mountains. I wonder if the first mountain that god ever made, started out as a molehill. I wonder if that day of rest was due to anxiety, over what had been created, and what may be to come.

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